November 14, 2010/November 25, 2010

It's all changed. What this used to be, to what it is now. It's sick. I started this to try to figure out if I can believe I am beautiful without looking beautiful. To figure out if what I have inside me (what God gave me) is enough. And I've turned it into a game. The same game as last year, actually, with different rules. "Try to look as beautiful as you can without wearing makeup." I've limited myself to that. Except, in every other aspect, i've excelled. I buy more clothes, I play with my hair, I eat less. All because I still so desperately want to be physically beautiful. I lack in height, and I believe that is my biggest flaw. It's certainly what I hate most of myself. So I try to be beautiful in order for people to get past the fact that I look like a child. But it doesn't work.

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I stopped there. I got distracted or too sad to go on. I just finished watching a Taylor Swift special on TV. Love that girl. I was looking at her life. Her stories. Her heart. And, her makeup. And was jealous of it all. I cried, praying desperately that I could write music and live a life of heartbreak and adventure. I saw the movie Tangled tonight, which really touched my heart. This child is kept in a tower, being told it's for her own protection, when finally, she breaks free. It terrifies her. It excites her. There's a line she says, when she is exactly where she wanted to be. I am going to butcher it big time, but it was something like, "This is my dream. Here it is. I'm terrified. What if it isn't what I wanted it to be? And...what if it is?"

I am tired of sitting in my room, crying about the life I'm not living. I'm tired of being scared to talk to someone I don't know. I'm tired of living in one city and working at minimum wage. And most of all, I'm honestly tired of being bound by not wearing make up. Therefore, I do believe, I am ending one month early. This is killing me. This fast was supposed to give me freedom, but instead it's kept me bound by my looks. I just want to feel like a real person. Wearing makeup or not wearing make up isn't what is going to make me know I am beautiful. It's a heart thing that I have yet to fully grasp. And I am not going to kill myself, crying, frowning, sadly that I can't play dress up.

What I've learned is that it's possible to survive without make up. And that I miss it a lot. It's fun to play with; it's fun to create. What I've also learned is that my beauty is way beyond anything physical, yet, learning that, and really knowing that has nothing to do with what I am doing or what I am not doing, but where my heart is. My heart has yet to fully experience beauty. And that's okay. Someday it will, whether I happen to be sporting bright red lips or a pale naked face. Real beauty is more than that. I feel there's nothing I can say without rolling my eyes at the complete cheesiness. But it's true. And I'm not sure how to end this post. I kind of seeing it being done hesitantly and sloppily, like this fast.

Yet oddly enough, beautifully.

November 3, 2010

I am sincerely over this. Could ya tell?

I feel as the days go on my face is getting wearier and colorless. My smile is fading as well.

Two more months. Aye.