Wednesday September 1, 2010

(I day dream of January when I'll be able to have blacker eyelashes and redder lips. But I'm scared I will still cry. And I will still not accept myself.)

I have four months left and what have I learned? I have learned that I can survive without makeup. And that everyone is prettier when they smile. I have learned that. Even myself. I can get away without wearing makeup, when I smile. It surprises me really. And I've learned how sadly insecure so many other girls remain. I would in no way call myself confident in appearance just yet, but I have come to some contentment. Not wearing makeup is not the end of the world. It's not even that terrible. And more often than we think, other people aren't thinking about what our faces look like. In fact, more often then we think, other people still think we're beautiful. I have learned that. "I honestly can't even tell you're not wearing make up." Which in my head, I could go the negative route and think "Well, then, obviously, I'm just ugly no matter what." But that's not true. What is true is what people (that love me) have said. No, what God has said. What He has made. And what they are saying, what He is saying, what He has made, is beauty. They mean compliments in telling me they couldn't tell. They couldn't tell because they don't care. And let me explain. In my saying they don't care, I mean...they don't care what I look like. Really. They can compliment me when I look nicer or cuter or prettier, but if I don't, will they stop loving me? Will they stop caring for me? Not at all. Not even an ounce. I like dressing up. I like playing with clothes and make up. And I have a good chunk of friends who like the same thing. And they like having that in common with me. But I am confident that if I completely stopped dressing up, doing my hair, and looking pretty, that they would still love me. It would not be a huge loss on the scale of who I am. Because I am not my clothes. I am not my hair. I am not my face. I am my heart and soul. And that is what they really love.

And that is what I am really learning.

And that is what I really want the whole world to learn.

One of the most beautiful girls I know broke my heart this weekend when she had just gotten out of the shower, cleaned her face, and put on her PJs. She was waiting for her friend to come over. A female friend. Her friend called and said her and her guy friend were on their way. As soon as my friend got off the phone she said "Oh no. I didn't know she was bringing a guy, ah!" And she immediately changed into jeans and put makeup on her face. "Why?!" I said and thought both very loudly. I could not understand one bit. And realized, "This has changed me." Eight months ago, I would have done just the same thing. Eight months ago, I DID do the same thing. I was over at my guy friends apt and I went home to take a shower. I got out. Got dressed. Put my hair in 70s style braids and applied makeup to my face. Only to spend, maybe twenty more minutes with them? Eight months ago, I could not leave the house without covering my blemishes, brightening up my cheeks, thickening my lashes. And now, I go spend every day with a clean face, completely vulnerable, often sad about it, but I do it. And I smile more. Because smiling is my beauty. And I used to hardly ever smile. Because I just didn't feel like it. And the makeup helped.

But now I smile.

And I am realizing, I am learning. I have changed. Though not entirely, I have.

And that is beautiful.