October 9th, 2010

Things are worse. Not wearing make up has made me feel less beautiful in every way. I have lowered my self worth and forcibly wear jeans and an oversized tshirt, or sweats as often as possible because it is the only thing I can pull off (hardly, actually). I throw my hair up in a bun because it's easy and sloppy and out of the way instead of actually trying to look nice and failing. My face. Has worsened me. It's somehow gotten dirtier and acne has formed in places that used to be clean as day. I'm angry right now. I am bitter, upset, and ugly. My closet, my floor, and my additional clothing rack has been collecting new pieces every weekend "Maybe if I have these things, I'll feel better, prettier somehow." Nope. I hardly wear any of them. I revert to my go-tos (big tshirt and comfy pants). I do not feel beautiful at all. I think less of myself. I believe I am less attractive, never classy, never sexy. I hardly feel like a girl. I feel gross and dirty. This fast is failing me. It was a bad idea. I hate myself for it.

I stand next to my friend in line at the store as a lady tells her in a rough hispanic acent, "You go to hollywood and make movies. You are so beautiful." As I smile and nod from behind. The lady looks over at me, insincerely, and only to be courtious, "Both of you." Yeah, right. Nice cover up. I know I'm not pretty. Not that pretty. Not "go to hollywood and make movies" pretty. (Though ironically, that is what I want to do...only behind the camera, cause let's face it - I can't handle adding another 10 pounds...)

I don't smile more. I don't know why I wrote that before. I guess what I meant was, I try to smile more. I know smiling more would help. But I'm not happy. I'm miserable. Miserably homely. Disgusted with myself.

This isn't healthy. I feel ashamed looking at myself makeupless, and I will feel ashamed if I break the fast too early.

But honestly, none of it matters. Dressing up. Wearing makeup. When it comes to me and my mess, it has never mattered. I was hardly liked when I did wear make up. And without it. It's pretty much the same, with less surfacey compliments.

It's about learning to love yourself, right?

Bullshit. I'm lightyears away from that.

So. Lost cause, I'm gonna call it.

Lost cause.