June 7, 2010: A Not So Successful Blog in the Midst of Continuing this "Beautiful" Year.

My angst in creating this blog to tell of the story of my year came not too long after watching the movie Julie and Julia. When I watch movies, when I read books, when I engage in a TV show, or even hear a song, I am overcome with an urgency to change my life and make it theirs. Hence, the idea in my mind was that I would write, every day, for this year, of my journey to become beautiful in an unworldly sense. I would change lives, I would wow audiences, and I would, eventually, publish a book and make a movie of my ugly story. (I mean....pretty). However, the year is 2010 and blogs are far too popular to get noticed enough to make a book of it, and I'm more of an idea girl. I rarely finish projects or complete goals. Well, in the last 18...er...19 and a half years of my life, this was so. But I do not want that to be true anymore.

Another excuse for this is that in by writing everyday I would have to face the exhausting reality of my emotions and how I really feel about myself and express that to an audience of nobody. So instead I ran. Or literally, just stopped writing.

The reality that I have to face (pun) is that, after a quick and secretly depressing five, leaking to six, months, I have yet to feel anywhere near beautiful. I miss makeup. I miss dressing up. I miss the words, "You look cute today." I don't remember, really, when I heard them last, or received them. Nothing is hidden. Everything is revealed. On my face. And I do not like it. I used to hide beneath my think mascara and rose blush and the facade that I was high fashioned and low maintenance, not caring all that much how I looked. And the other reality is that, looks are most everything to me. I adore fashion. And I overwhelmingly wish I could be apart of it. But whenever I try, I am fooling myself. And I can't wear makeup. So the look is incomplete. And I am left, again, feeling ugly.

After nearly six months, I am terrified of the possibility that in another six months, nothing will have changed, and I will be called, again, to fast from makeup. That thought terrifies me. So that sort of says it all, doesn't it.

I've simply "gotten used to" not wearing makeup. But I haven't all accepted it. And I am tempted everyday.

I am going to write in this lonely little blog of mine. For the next six months. As long as I remember. Although, I honestly doubt this town ever even gets driven through. I'll write, regardless, feeding my creative soul, and being honest with myself about what I need to change.

Six months gone, six to come. We will indeed find out if the word Beautiful makes a lasting impression on my heart, or if I'm left, unhealed and broken by what I have to look at in the mirror.

Six months.