January 1, 2010: So it begins.

I cheated, only slightly. As the countdown began and the New Year ran past me, I may have still been wearing mascara. But I did begin this New Year the way I truly want to spend not only my entire 2010, but my entire life: praising God.
The reason I am doing this is not for myself (only slightly) and not for the world (although, if it encourages a few hearts along the way, I won’t complain). This is solely and completely entirely for my Father in Heaven. And I told Him that. And He knows it.

I’ve felt this calling on my heart for sometime now to sell the clothes I hold on to so tightly, the ones that I believe make me, me, a more, if only slightly, beautiful me. It was a whisper that I ignored. My heart was not prepared in that moment I first heard it. I was still in high school, seeking the approval of my peers and the award for Best Dressed (which I came second in). And if you asked me if that satisfied, I would without hesitation tell you that it did not. I look back now and, to be cliché, laugh. Why did I want those people to like me? They were nothing more than faces that I would soon forget. They weren’t encouraging or loving in a way that I truly desired. But that’s over now and done with and I did what I did and as much as I shouldn’t have, I don’t regret it. God knows the story He has written. I am playing my part perfectly.

And the timing now, is perfect. Life, in all its glory, is still nothing close to what I want. Life and my desire for it is poor. It’s better than it was, but it’s poor. What I want is Jesus. What I want is to know my God – to know His heart. And to accept this love He so generously offers me. And along with that, I have to accept this life. And that is what this is for.

The beautiful me, the one I believed, came from makeup, braids, and my colorful, trendy clothing and days without those three simple things were days I could cry if I looked in a mirror. The scars on my face, the circles under my eyes, the frizz from my hair and the way my body looked in clothes that were actually comfortable made me want to throw up. I wasn’t beautiful. I could never believe it. And even the times I was put together, I still wasn’t sure.

So this is the first day, of three hundred and sixty five, that I am not wearing make up. And this is my promise, my vow, to abstain from those things I thought made me beautiful and end up in a place where I honestly believe my real beauty comes from the person that God made me and the Spirit He gave me. Because I know it; I’m just not sure how well I believe it.

* * * *

I woke up this morning, exhausted from the beautiful New Years party I got to spend with seven-hundred-something-people who all have a heart for Jesus and sharing His love. We danced until midnight and worshiped through the New Year. My hair was dirty and my face was pale and as I walked past my box of makeup I could almost hear it sigh in realization that we would no longer be friends. I looked in the mirror in a new way than I had before. Instead of bitterness, there was peace. I sure as heck wasn’t confident, and it will be a long time until I am, but I was okay. God prepared my heart for what He wanted me to do. And I am eager to see what the rest of this year holds. I am eager to play my part the way God has written it, and see all the plot twists and character dynamics and happy endings He has created. Day One. Here we go.