January 3, 2010: What the world says.

I don’t think I stepped out of the house once today. In fact, I know I didn’t. I’m still in my pajamas. And I have this sense of sadness, which can only often be caused by a lack of sun. I cannot wait to go back to Tempe and live life.

I did get some doing and thinking done all though most of the day was spent on the inside. I finished the second season of my favorite show, Pushing Daisies, and thought most about the eye shadow Chuck was wearing and how her hair looked different in every scene. It was beautiful. And I remember how much I loved putting on makeup simply for the art of it. In fact, all of that stuff I love doing is for the art of it. Hair, clothing, makeup, it’s all like art to me. It expresses some sort of creativity I wanted to let loose. It was an emotion I wanted to convey by showing the world how I looked. But that got lost. The creativity and simplicity in the art got trampled on by this overwhelming need to be accepted and adored. And that need came from watching television my whole life and what exactly these shows were saying. I know, I know. This is all stuff we have heard before, cliché stuff – but I’m finally noticing how true it is.

Instead of going outside today, I decided to watch some pointless television and what I chose was what I thought I could enjoy with my brother sitting next to me. Disney channel was our first option and Hannah Montana was on so we watched. Yuck. I have never said that before after watching an episode. Honestly. I used to enjoy that show. What stood out to me the most about not only this show, but other shows we watched as well (True Jackson and Zoey 101) wasn’t the poor acting and this-is-going-nowhere-storyline, but it was the subtle and blatantly obvious focus’ on the beauty of their faces and bodies and clothing and lack of powerful message. And this is what the kids are watching. Which is what scares me. What we learn at a younger age sticks with us longer than what we learn in high school and years after. It’s our subconscious and childlike spirit clinging to these new ideas. As we get older, our ideas are already set so it’s harder to replace them with new ones, even if the newer ones are truer ones.

I apologize if I offended anyone by saying these things about these shows. I don’t want to not like them. But I never understood before the pointless message that’s being sent around. Do your hair, date a boy (the cute boy of course), wear makeup, buy fancy clothes, and even as I’m typing this it sounds cliché-er than the biggest cliché, but there is a reason things become cliché – because they are truths. Honestly, these shows are pointless.

And it disturbs me so. But it’s in my mind as well. I can’t get out of the house unless I find the right outfit or make my face look less zombie-like, even if it’s just to go to the store. Which is silly.

All this is to say, well, why? And when? When will this change? If, ever? Even my mind is stuck on the things these shows tell me. And this year we’re going to figure out if that lie can finally convince itself what it is and, well, yes, change, into a truth, a truth of “You are Beautiful.” You ARE beautiful, not you LOOK beautiful.