January 8th, 2010 (the rest of the day)

Today was a little bit more difficult. I washed my hair again with the Baking Soda shizz, and it failed. I know there is a process, of some sort, but I honestly couldn't take it. My hair looked like I hadn't washed it in YEARS. So, I justified. My mom bought me shampoo and conditioner around November that is still more than half way full. This is the plan. To use that until it runs out, and also let my hair grow out of the all the dye it has in it. That way, I am hoping, it will be easier to wash with natural crap. But for now, it's just productless, and makeupless.

On the topic of makeupless: I felt ugly today. Very ugly. I find that the more people I have talked to, girls, actually, about not wearing make up, it seems to be a bigger deal to me than they. "I hardly wear makeup anyways," some reply. And from the makeupless faces I've seen, they could go a year without it no problem. THEY are beautiful, naturally. But I, well, that I'm not so sure of. The skin around my eyes is darker than the rest of my face. There are scars, as I have mentioned before. And colors, uneven colors. Lines, dots, marks, whatever, that all long to be covered up. I desperately wanted to cover them up today and had a thought, "It's going to be like this ALL year. Eff."

One of my friends came over (this particular friend is in fact the friend that I try to look the greatest around, cause, like I, he appreciates style, and I care what he thinks. He's one of my favorite friends.) I was in sweats and a gigantic sweater. Normally, I could rock this look, but with my uncovered face, I felt as if I looked homeless, and I was embarrassed. Now, I know my friend most likely cared nothing about how I looked (at least 80% sure) and was just happy to hang out and see me, but I still cared. And I don't feel put together or beautiful. I feel sloppy and homeless and tragic. All because of a face. How unfortunate. And ridiculous. Of course it's not "true" how I feel about myself, but it is how I feel, and it's valid. And I'm desperate for just some cover up and blush. Shamefully.

That's how it is for now. I'm disgusted when I look in the mirror. But it'll only be a year. Hmph.