January 23, 2010

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this........I really really hate this. I am ugly. I am bored. My hair is frizzy and my face is dull. I am tired of this feeling. I am tired of looking at myself and wanting to scream. I am tired of being short and more than average weight. I am tired of searching through a million different items of clothing and seeing a different kind of hideous in every single one of them. I'm tired of people seeing me like this. I am sick of seeing myself like this. I am bored. And annoyed. And the month isn't even over. And I have to suffer through 11 more. This is reality. It's honestly how I feel at this exact moment. And it's a reality for most everyone else in the world too, girl and boy. And it's sickening. How we have to look at ourselves and decide what's beautiful and what's ugly. Who decides these things? And it only makes sense that I am getting attacked like this on a day like today. Today, the ladies of Tempe are getting together and hang out and love Jesus just as we are. No make up. Simple clothing. And I am frantically still trying to look decent. Despite the fact that this is not what that is about. It's about being pure and raw in front of the camera. Letting Jesus be our beauty. And I forgot that. And I want to scream when I see myself. And I hate this feeling. This feeling. This feeling. I hate it.

In Jesus' name, I say, be gone, self hatred. Be GONE!